Orlando is the best place to meet a woman you already know when you live in Tampa (Marriage: Episode 2)

I originally wrote Episode 1 in April of 2010. I promised Suzanna-bread Episode 2 would shortly follow...oops. Well it is now November of 2010 and Suzanne has been super patient. So, I decided to get this story back on schedule.

Episode 2

At the end of Episode 1 Suzanne and I were sitting next to each other at dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe in Universal Studios, Orlando. We initially were sitting far from each other at the table, but a circuitous series of events led to an improvement in proximity. In fact, here is a picture of that moment:

Every "yes" begins with "I don't celebrate my birthday" (Marriage: Episode 1)

At moments like these I wish I had spent a lifetime writing poetry, so I could be adequately prepared to express myself in writing in such a way that all who read would succumb to awe and amazement. I want people to be able to understand exactly what I feel when I think about my fiancee. At the very least, I wish I had the capacity to express my amazement with and adoration of my soon to be wife.  Instead of even attempting such a feat, I am just going to recap our entire relationship until now. But I will do so, one episode at a time.

Episode 1

A little over a year ago Suzanne and I met while participating in a weekly volleyball game organized by friends at our church. We kept out distance physically, but as it turns out we were both keeping a close eye on one another. Eventually Suzanne decided to say something to me other than "set" or "don't touch it, its out." She made her move on my 28th birthday, which happened to fall exactly on volleyball night. In the hall, between games, she meekly said, "Happy birthday Anthony." Being the gentleman I am (1 part wolverine, 1 part Mr. Darcy), I brashly replied, "I don't celebrate my birthday, I celebrate the life resulting from my birth." I do find great amusement in twisting concepts such as the simultaneous expression of my positive appreciation for life with my contempt for celebrating birthdays.

Unavoidable

It does not surprise me you found me there,
as I waited for the clock to tone.
I was most sure of the place I would call my home.
Suddenly, in that moment, certainty meant nothing most of all.

isn't != couldn't

The Difference Between Hope, Possibility and Probability

I often notice that when I say "It is possible that," people interpret that as "I hope that" or "It is probable that." Here is a more concise and specific example:

What I say:

It is possible that Roberto is a liar.

What people seem to hear:

I hope that Roberto is a liar.

or

It is probable that Roberto is a liar.

Why must admittance of possibility = hoping for high probability? It is basic mathematics that:

Possible: % > 0
Probable: % > .5
Guaranteed: % = 1

Despite these mathematical definitions, there still seems to be some sort of miscommunication which regularly occurs between myself and my "associates." Of course, when I ask a person to repeat what I have said exactly, they do so perfectly, so the problem is not a transmission error. However, despite the correct transmission it is obvious by the statements made by others in their own words that they are interpring "is possible" as "is probable" or "I hope."

To continue with my example concerning Roberto above, let us consider a common reply:

Me: It is possible that Roberto is a liar.
Other Person: Don't call Roberto a liar, he has always told me the truth.

Clearly Other Person thinks that I have called Roberto a liar. What they are failing to realize is that isn't != couldn't, where != is the logical operator for "not equal to." Just because someone has never been something, and is not one now, it does not mean there exists no circumstance in the realm of every possible state of the universe where that someone remains "not one." And, in the event that probability is low that they will not be something in the future, rarely is the probability for anything exactly 0%. Finally, even 1*10^-1000000 probability is still greater than zero, and thus is sufficient probability for something to be possible. In fact, think of the smallest positive real number you can imagine or understand which is greater than zero, and call that number x. If something has probability x, then it is correct to say that it is possible.

Critical Thinking

Why do people fear admitting possibility? It is almost as if many people see the existence of possibility being the same as actuality. In other words, they seem to think if i could be j, then you might as well consider i as if it actually is j. How do you feel about this statement?

Attaining Zen in the Art of Baby Sitting

Today I had a unique challenge--ship some of my belongs in my storage unit to Colorado and babysit my girlfriend's three year old daughter, who I will refer to in this story as "bubbles."

Bubbles and I headed to the storage place. The entire way Bubbles informed me of pertinent information, such as, "I am a girl," "You have a head," "Your nickname is Tony," "I'm going down the toilet." I made a serious effort to remain legitimately engaged in the conversation...I don't think she cared.

Upon arriving at my storage unit Bubbles asked me what we were going to do there. I told her that I was going to get some stuff to ship to Colorado, and get some other stuff to give to needy people (via Goodwill). Bubbles only heard, "We are going to give stuff to poor people." As we went through my belongings looking for my ties and a few other important items, Bubbles found that everything would be good to donate to Goodwill. First she picked up my wrenches and said, "Anthony, poor people don't have these," and then put the wrenches with the clothes to donate. Then she spun around in my office chair and said, "Anthony, poor people don't have chairs," and then she rolled the chair over to the clothes to donate. It went on like this for sometime. By the time we were done, Bubbles had approved only one thing to be shipped to Colorado--her.

Luckily Bubbles got tired of helping the poor people about half of the way through the packing, and she decided to sit in the back of the car, hum Disney tunes to me and then make me guess what movie it came from. It turns out bubbles is an amazing hummer, because I guessed all the movies correctly. Bubbles approved of my disney knowledge and dubbed me, "Silly Anthony."

At the FedEx storage Bubbles was a big hit, although she thoroughly accused everyone of being "a stranger." In fact, she required evidence to prove that we could trust the strangers behind the counter to get my packages to Colorado. "Who are they," and "how are they getting your boxes to Colorado" are two of the interrogation questions she offered. The stranger hunt culminated with Bubbles pointing directly at a man standing 3 feet from us and at the top of her lungs proclaiming, "Stranger!" Rather then try to defuse the situation I simply replied, "yeah, I don't know him either, he is a stranger."

After dancing on the counter, sitting on my head, going down the toilet a few more times and informing every employee that she was "a girl," Bubbles and I headed to the post office. Bubbles spent most of her time at the post office sitting on my shoulders or draped over my head. This was the easiest way to watch her and write my address on boxes.

Finally back in the car, Bubbles went down the toilet two more times and then fell asleep. Mission accomplished.

The Recipe for Luis Black

In case you hate the universe, you might want to know how to make Luis Black.

- Start with one uncooked Bobcat Goldthwait
- Sprinkle liberally with George Burns
- Make him watch The Daily Show and CNN for a month straight without blinking
- Put him in a semi-stylish suit or leather jacket
- Make him add new speech impediments to his "act"
- Shoot him up with heroine
- Que the curtain

It begins. Let us start with some moderate thinking...

Consider the following, which you may hereto refer to as 'Anthonyism #1 Prime Proto-Genisis'

Genius is an opportunity, not a guarantee.